It’s often said that half of all marriages end in divorce. Not only is that an exaggeration, but the issue as a whole is a lot more nuanced.
As of 2024, the American Psychological Association (APA) estimates that the probability of a first marriage ending in divorce is 41%.
What the statistics fail to highlight is that many couples neglect to cultivate the love, respect, and support that is essential for maintaining a strong, stable relationship.
In nearly 30 years of marriage, Bhaj and her husband have discovered that one of the most effective ways to nurture their connection is refreshingly simple: the Monthly Marriage Check-In (MMCI).
What is a monthly relationship check-in?
Every month, Bhaj and her husband set aside intentional, uninterrupted time to have a focused conversation, creating a space to openly share and reconnect. The topics they talk about may vary, but the goal of the monthly check-in is always the same: to stay up-to-date on each other’s individual lives and ensure that they are both keyed into their relationship.
Benefits of a monthly check-in with your spouse
Monthly relationship check-ins come with a multitude of benefits, but the most notable bullet point is fostering a deep sense of connection. Longitudinal studies of “the marriage check-up” show a significant improvement in intimacy, acceptance, and satisfaction.
Namely, a 2014 study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that MMCIs lead to 4 major positive outcomes. Participating in marriage check-ups:
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- Reorients couples toward the most positive qualities of their relationships.
- Fosters acceptance of common issues, differences, and patterns.
- Builds intimacy bridges rooted in deeper compassionate understanding.
- Generally improves relationship health by reactivating partners in the service of a more vibrant and engaged relationship.
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To read more about the benefits Bhaj has personally experienced with monthly check-ins, check out her blog article on 3 Key Benefits to Monthly Check Ins.
How to do a monthly check-in with your spouse
While consistency is the cornerstone of MMCIs, there are a few other guidelines to keep in mind for greater chances of success. Your monthly relationship check-in meeting should always take place in a quiet, distraction-free setting where you and your spouse can easily hear each other and comfortably communicate. For instance, walking in the park or sitting by a peaceful pond works better than a noisy restaurant.
Remember, monthly check-ins are not about entertainment or turning up the fun; they are meant to create a dedicated block of time for you and your partner to focus entirely on each other and the growth and stability of your relationship. Eliminate outside distractions. For example, if you have children, put them to bed beforehand or arrange for a trusted friend or family member to watch them during this time.
It’s also essential to hold your monthly check-in with your spouse when you’re both in a “neutral state.” Never begin in the middle of an argument or on a whim, spur of the moment. Plan the relationship check-in ahead of time to ensure both parties are in a calm and reflective frame of mind. The goal is to foster a sense of closeness and connection so you can genuinely enjoy each other’s company even when discussing serious topics.
What are good check-in questions for couples?
Your MMCI can be tailored to meet the specific needs of your relationship. The main idea is to get to the root of what you need to talk about to strengthen your relationship and create an enhanced bond. Good questions to ask your spouse during a monthly marriage check-in should come from a concerned and caring perspective.
For example, asking your partner what you can do to help them feel supported in their endeavors will yield better results than asking a question that comes from an inflammatory point of view (e.g., Why do you always expect me to do everything for you?). This type of question can put your partner on the defensive and create tension, whereas a supportive or inquisitive approach fosters understanding and collaboration. With thoughtful questions, you and your partner can show you care for one another and value being a key component of each other’s lives.
5 relationship check-in questions
According to a Forbes article written by an American psychologist, the three most important check-in questions are:
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- Did you feel supported and appreciated in the past month?
- Have there been any challenges or conflicts that we haven’t fully resolved?
- Is there anything you’d like to see more or less of in our relationship?
I must say that I concur and would encourage the use of those exact prompts to start off a monthly check-in.
I’d also like to add:
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- What is something you achieved this month that you are proud of?
- How would you rate our communication this month on a scale from 1-5, with 1 being non-existent and 5 being exemplary?
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Other helpful questions to ask your partner:
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- How was our work-life balance this month? Did we spend enough time together as a couple?
- What are your fears or worries going into the next month?
- How do you feel about our current allocation of chores and duties? Are we both pulling our weight?
- Can you share a moment you felt especially loved or appreciated this month?
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Remember: Monthly check-ins are a preventative measure!
Regular check-ins are a reliable strategy for maintaining a healthy relationship and preventing potential issues before they reach a boiling point. However, it’s not meant to be a band-aid fix for marital strife—if you have deep-seated relationship challenges or roadblocks, seek guidance from a professional who can help.
If you would like additional advice or direction on conducting monthly relationship check-ins with your spouse, please don’t hesitate to reach out to F&S expert Bhaj Townsend via email at bhaj@focuasandsustain.com.
Common Questions about monthly check-ins:
– How often should you check in with your spouse?
Bhaj and her husband use monthly check-ins as that is the frequency they have determined works best for them, but you can conduct relationship check-ins as often as you’d like. If it seems like you have more to discuss, try holding one every week!
– Is it healthy to have relationship check-ins?
Absolutely! Monthly marriage check-ins are a fantastic way to alleviate relationship stress and improve general relationship communication and teamwork.